And I thought predictive texting was bad...

The good old BBC was in trouble today after their teletext service with the usually up controversial weather report for Glastonbury.

Mind you...there will be loads of drink and drugs involved so be careful out there.

Following on from an earlier mistake......personally I think that this would provide a great interest in the Chinese New Year and bring in much needed funding.

Mind you you can sometimes get too close to your animals......

I wasn't even aware that cats read porn....sitting in a darkened room with a copy of play kitty.....

I can understand why he went off to play with Belgium.

How proud woul his son to have been telling all of his mates that his dad was going to mention them by name on t.v......result! ,

 

 

 

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Lewis Edridge-We knew him when he was sh!t.

At the time of writing this it will all be over.

I spent Friday night watching young Lewis in the lead role of Joe Casey in Our House. I'm sure that the day after the final performance, any performance leaves you with a hole that will never be filled again.

And what a performance. I was a bit concerned that he was a bit on the nervous side, that's why he was sweating..... No...he was wearing two or three layers of clothing under hot stage lights on a hot June evening at the Mumford Theatre in Cambridge.

The king of the quick change from black suited wide boy to white track suited ne'er-do-well he moved between the roles flawlessly. Especially when he changed character on stage behind a crowd of rotating unberellas, brilliant.

Supported by a cast of equally talented students, the lad in the role of Reecey was definately a reprobate that I wanted to have words with when I saw him outside after the performance especially since he was the devil on the shoulder of the white tick suit trying to turn the character away from the straight and narrow.

 

The cast managed to follow the old agate of the show must go on....so when the windscreen of the car fell off....on they went....when the coffin wZnted to slide off the gurney...on they went...when someone battered their head on the 5'6" scaffolding....I wanted to have a word with the navvies who put it up...on they went.

Lewis came through the ranks at the HBO players in the roles of idle Jack and that ilk, normally playing the idiot son to my motherly Dame.

Lewis...you look great...bit to much lippy but not as much as I have on....look over your shoulder mate...he's behind you......and that's the only time you'll hear that. Remember your place lad....behind me or if you're a good boy, beside me.

But no more. Out of the shadows and in to the spotlight, a place that you managed to hold your own in.

Looking forward to seeing you in whatever role you work on next.

Just remember us little folks!!

 

 

 

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Goodbye old friend.

Sadly after a short illness, I lost my cat, Chelsea. Had to take her to the vet as she was on the way out, not eating and looking in discomfort.

Not an easy decision to have your pet put down but it was for the best as I didn't want to see her suffer.

Coming after. Losing Hamish at Easter and having had a fox in the chicken run last week taking one hen and three of my baby chicks, our home seems a lot emptier at the moment.

 

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And the children's literature prize goes to....

,......none of these.

Everyone has at least one good book in them. That's probably what these authors thought....but whatever made the publishers go and spend money on them.

I'm sure that there are many lonely ho's on the planet but do children need to read about them.

This book is probably sh!t....and in two languages...following a floating turd from maiden sploosh to the far away sea...

...only appreciated by teenage boys...diagrams not included....

....really, I don't know where to begin...

There are many restaurants who have staff that will if you are rude to them.....

Young boys in tents, lots of rope and losing ones wiggle? dib dib dib!

 

 

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The battle continues.

the toilet roll tube problem seems to be abating.

Now we need to work on the " just exactly what do you do when the bin fills up?"

Obviously the elders of the tribe have failed to pass tribal lore down to their offspring

Currently, the plan seems to be

A) keep on stuffing it into the bin so that the bag rips to shreds when someone tries to empty it

B) leave any rubbish close by where it can be dealt with a a later date, by anyone else!

C) start an auxiliary bin in a plastic bag on the handle of the back door.

Current belief amongst the tribe is that the bins empty by magic or that one of the many unseen gods empties them before dawn and moves them to a far off land and that in order to prevent them making eye contact with the Gods and perhaps facing like death or something, they stay in their beds until the afternoon thus avoiding contact and perpetuating the myth.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Heads will.....Er....roll?

Not that I'm ever grumpy.....well ok. I do have a tendency to "go off on me every now and again but I feel that good subject matter deserves a full rant.

Toilet rolls.

Surely not a controversial subject....think again.

I get it in the ear frequently from the other side of the bed when things are untidy. "The sink is full of dirty dishes" Yes...but I put all of mine in the dishwasher and ran it and put the dishes away, in the correct place,

"There's dirty laundry all over the place" ....Yes but mine is in the laundry basket, or in the washing machine where I put it, or on the line where I hung it up or in the laundry pile where I have folded it up having sorted it out and placed it in the appropriate room.

"There's cat hair on the chair and chicken poo outside the back door".... Yes but.....I'm not responsible for either of those and I have proof.

But toilet rolls.

How can they be upsetting?

I rest my case. The downstairs toilet. Do we have any idea what should be done with these after they have been finished? We are beyond the Blue Peter stage so there is no need to keep them.

The environmental amongst us could venture into the big room where all the weather happens to find the recycling bin.

Surely everything must be all right in the kitchen.

Sadly not. Obviously some kitchen emergency has required all the available kitchen roll and the long walk to the under stairs cupboard -in the kitchen, where all the spares live has proved TOO arduous a task.

Life in the upstairs toilet must be ok?

Sadly not. Alas there are issues ...and no tissues there.

OK , I give in. I will go and get a spare pack off loo rolls.

Have come home to find this. Whilst a toilet roll is in place. 'Er in doors bought a loo roll which hold three spares...which is in fact the exact amount discarded on the floor in the shredded plastic wrapping, possibly detracting from the ambiance.

And here's one I've prepared earlier. Lovely.

 

Dear family,

Can we please try and replace what you use

Toilet roll lives in a bag on the shelf in the outhouse

Kitchen roll lives in the kitchen cupboard.

If you wish to save the environment can you put these rolls in the green bin that lives outside the front of the house, not just leave them where they are and expect them to move by themselves.

If there are no replacements then please feel free to let mother or I know.

Please do not leave a "surprise" for the next person to use the toilet.

Next time there will be a "buckets of blood" story filling the bathroom in a crimson tidal wave of despair.......and I can assure you that it won't be happening to me!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A summer of football...or not....

It's the last extra weekend of the football season. Ribbons have been tied onto league trophies and cups and been locked away in trophy cabinets and now it's time for the champions league final and the league play off weekend.

Derby v's QPR is supposed to be worth £134 million pounds to the winner for a trip to "the show."

The champions league final last year was fought out between two teams from the same country....this year it's two teams from the same city.

As a Chelsea fan, our season finished, sadly weeks ago with a home defeat at Sunderland when the air was knocked out of us and the momentum that we had, ran out.

Still have an interest in medals as Thibaut Courtois, with a la liga medal in his back pocket aims for a CL medal and Patrick Bamford aims for the Premier league with the rams.....shame it's raining on the first day of the holidays as I might just have to watch.

Normally we would be waking up on Sunday morning for a summer of discontent having to turn our interest to other sports with only the Open and Wimbledon (will they have a sign that says no British winner for 1 year outside)...... But we do have the World Cup to keep us going.

 

Look forward to a world of World Cup wall charts and sweeps where you realise that your money has gone down the drain with a minnow in a group of death.

Late nights and sleepy mornings at work.

Sadly John Terry will not be there......

...and just incase you missed the premier ship, the daily mail keeps you going.....

......ah footy!

 

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The art of being inventive.

Saw a wonderful photo in a tweet from Zachary Levi, Chuck from the old TV series showing someone cooking bacon inside a pancake.

How wonderfully inventive I thought and so on Saturday morning....

Out came my little frying pan and off I went.

My pancakes, which are reaching almost pizza sized proportion and reaching almost legendary status in the household.

Guaranteed to feed a sleeping Bear or get a wife doing a good "Oliver" impersonation.

Just remember to fry that bacon first kids otherwise the salmonella police will pay you a visit.

To celebrate, I had to go out and invest in a bottle of maple syrup.

Sheena looked at her dry pancake with an air of suspicion as they are usually smothered in chocolate....didn't think it would compliment the bacon.

Looking forward to the next weekend and an excuse to repeat the performance.

 

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Chelsea 3-0 Stoke

Roger, my bestie and other half of The greatest Doric Bromance the Granite City gas ever seen, (even though I'm from Dundee) was in town so a trip to the bridge was called for.

Excellent product placement as the light gleams off his exquisite watch in front of his mighty fine Chelsea top.

Seats in the corner of the Matthew Harding stand. so close that when Super Frankie Lampard took a corner, we could have almost touched him....almost had it not been for the barrage of hi-vis wearing guards nearby.

The Black Eyed Pea himself, had won a throw in and was waiting for "Dave" Azpilicueta to take the throw in.

Will-I-an then celebrated with Super Frank as he put his penalty rebound into the net.

It was a great day. Three goals, three points and then back to the hotel for a quick change and a trip out to the Shakespeare pub for dinner.

Thanks Rog.

 

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Chicken check in!

It's that time of year again.

Having reluctantly send my two cockrels homeward tae think again.....no, not that......back to where we bought them as day old chicks, their parting gift was to fertilise some eggs for my broody bantams to sit on.

Adele went down first with mother-itis and was shortly joined by Cheryl who shared the nesting in a young-yang kind of position.

I was taken by surprise when I heard cheeps coming from under a bundle of feathers to ging three non identical triplets.

Closer inspection revealed that there was more to come.

By the following evening we had 7 out of 8 which is not a bad success rate for fertilised eggs

The kids are already up and about and performing to the crowds. Some wanted to check the nutrition figures on the egg box until somebody pointed out that they couldn't read.

I will miss Eva and Beyonce, the two worst leg bar "hens" in the world but they have left a wonderful legacy....

....hopefully all female.....please Lord not 7 cockrels!

 

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Chicken tomato plant bird bath horror!

Local Eco warrior Gabriella Birss and full time vegetarian and writer of books, had invested a lot of time and effort into supporting the planet and trying to grow her own tomatoes. She had gone up the road and purchased several plants from a local vendor to support her already full seedling trays, looking forward to a bumper summer harvest.

"I am supporting the planet and being environmentally friendly using no pesticides and helping the local economy as well as trying to become self sufficient." She said.

Police had to be called to the scene of the crime is morning.

Unfortunately large amounts of earth and compost had been thrown over the plants, in one case uprooting a plant completely

"I've never seen such agricultural carnage," said a local member of the constabulary. "We have takeley CSI on the job, the are currently taking fingerprints and foot casts in the surrounding area and we want any members of the public to come forward with any information that they may have."

"We will cordon off the area in an attempt to prevent further incidents." Said the Detective.

Later on a concerned citizen came forward and provided an anonymous tip on the hotline.

"So, I've i grass up the perp, I presume that I'll get a substantial reward. Of course I'm not in this for the money....although I am partial to some salmon......

The full might of the Herts and essex police teams rounded up the suspects.

The ringleader was said to be unrepentant.

"It's our land. We have been here for longer than those plants. It's like the land of our fore-mothers or something....this is sacred ground and belongs to us....our chicken rights are being infringed. We will fight on....even if we have to go in through the rhubarb."

Police wanted to talk to Gabi and inform her that the culprit had been reprehend end. Sadly a news report came to us that she did not come home last night. four winged assailants in balaclavas were seen ushering her into a poultry van outside the local cinema.

 

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