Dontcha just love chickens.

I do
Last week I though I was going to look Green, one of the craiginches chicks. She was on her side and not looking in a good way so I took her and put her into a basin of straw so she could pass in peace.
Five hours lat she was walking and the following days she was complaining to me forgetting about how she had bed laying still and covered in bluebottles.
At the weekend I let my Marans out. Eva and Beyonce spend their time together and don't go too far from the run. They are grey, have spikey little hairdos and have a distinctive cackle from the other birds.
Yesterday I let my babies Eva and Beyonce in with the rest of the hens in the run. The Barlinnie birds were trying to establish a pecking order. When they did, Jinnie, their mum would bunch up her feathers and see them off and let them know not to mess with the babies.
Last night I went out to lock them up and found that Ginnie and the babies have already established themselves on the top rung of the hen house. Poor Eva and Beyonce were on the bottom rung.
If only Ginnie had wanted them when we put them together on the first day.

They love a good earth bath to keep clean.

Why can I not nest here?

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Five,four,three,two onesie.....

Bethany has gone. Nothing disastrous, just off on tour with the choir to France for five days.

"I need some more crop tops dad". ...... otherwise known as t-shirts that are two short! Again why do we need these things. T-shirt should be something that you can wear under a shirt or leave rebelliously untucked.

Can't see the need for them myself.

Along with 3/4 length shorts. The clue here is in the name. Shorts. They are... How shall I put it....short. To wear along short is a contradiction in terms. Were they designed by the idiot who came up with the idea for rolling one trouser leg up and selling these to the cattle that walk through the high street stores. I check this morning and every morning, that both my legs are the same length and so can't see any need to have a pair of trousers like that. What happens if you did have one leg shorter than the others? Do they make lefties and righties? Help.

Whilst in the middle of Primark, classy shopper that I am - nothing wrong with Primark. If you get a stain on something, get a stain on a £3.00 T-shirt rather than a £20.00 I say. Tshirts same material, same printing. At a rock concert £20.00 to have a picture of your fave band and tour dates that you will only ever wear to other concerts V.s the 5/6 Primark t-shirts that you can buy and dispose of at your leisure.....ah age is catching up with you if you agree.

Dad, look! they're nice, I can just see you in....

 

ONSIE HELL PEOPLE!

Does any self respecting man wear a onesie? Are they just things that people buy as presents for other people that they "think" they will like and by doing so, show that they have no idea who their alleged friends are and should be excluded instantly from your social circle. Things like Willy warmers, edible underwear and anything that comes from a joke shop.

Reader, I had to step back and hold onto a nearby bargain/sale item rail to stop myself from collapse. superman, batman, animal onesies.

"But dad, you would look good in one of these."

Was I wrong? Did I need to investigate further and gain a balanced viewpoint. I moved tentatively forward in case anyone thought that I was going to pick one up and run to the changing room.

I looked at the little cardboard label hanging at the front, not wanting to actually touch it.

"Suitable for festivals"

What! I have watched the odd moment of Glastonbury as today's youff clamour through country fields that look like the Somme battlefield in their designer Wellies and do not think that a onesie either offers waterproof protection during the endless hours of rain, or is the kind of attire that I would require to be in should there be 80 degree heat.

Ok so it's not the practical use that you need a onesie for at a festival. The only reason to wear it is because the manufacturers suggest that YOU should wear it and you go with the expectation that like the emperors new clothes, you don't want to be the only one there without.

I believe that onesie is basically sleeping attire. If the great and the good festival goers turn up in their silk pyjamas and a smoking jacket to get down with the music of today then perhaps.

Who goes to festivals? Well Kate Moss to watch I suppose, I see her most years trying hard to pretend that she's not interested in being photographed but will still end up in the tabloids by virtue of the fact that she is a walking coat hanger. Who goes to festivals to perform? Well Sir Mick Jagger (happy belated 79th Sir)

Here's my benchmark. Should both of these two turn up next year in onesies then I shall put one on the bottom of my Xmas wish list on amazon.

 

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Don'tcha just love Tune in F.M.

Radio is the new T.V.

I love radio. My wife thinks I am a heathen as the only radio station that I previously listened to was talk sport. 58 minutes of sport and two minutes of news....and one of those is on sports headlines. heaven.

One of the hosts of the breakfast shows, daughters go to my school. When I said I wake up in bed with her father every morning she smiled and shrugged it off.

Then came the ipad and tune in F.M. It has allowed me to listen to music from all over the world. To be able to transfer from one radio station to another from one side of the world to another is amazing.

It has of course allowed me to indulge in my middle aged love of Country and Weston music...yes as the Blues brothers would say....we play both kinds. Gator F.M. From East Cost USA, Conch Country from Marathon Key in Florida, Kbear from Alaska or Rooster from the Cayman Islands play me hours of endless redneck loving tunes.

With digital radio you also tend to channel flick knowing that you can go back to your favourite station in seconds....Internet permitting.

I have spent the last hour listening to Gabz Fm from Botswana who are playing back to back 80's disco tunes...my wife should be here....there would definitely be a classy chassis shake across the room...." Somebody else.'s guy......"

To my poor long suffering wife, I have become the bloke who goes from room to room with his ipad and bleeding music.

Not quite like the ghetto lasers of 30 years ago but close.

I deserve it I suppose. Especially for the 683 times and counting that I have pointed out that she has completely ignored me in favour of Candy Crush on her ipad.

Moneys on that's what she will have just stopped doing should she log onto this........684

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So I'm not dead then?

The joys of life on the Internet.

Hopefully operation to remove the kidney stones went well.

All I need now is t.l.c. And caring hospital staff.....and probably dinner 'cos I haven't eaten.

Nurse Suzie changed my sheets.

Nurse Wendy took my temperature.

Nurse Nancy was just too annoying.

But nurse Sheena is always there and gives the best care.

 

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Why does Russia not have a decent cricket team?

A perfectly decent question.

Russia. A large country with quite a big population to choose from.

Much of the country is urban so there should be a plethora of cricket teams for a Sunday game.

Russia has a long history of sporting excellence in other sports so why not cricket.

Surely during the Cold War someone at the Kremlin should have had the idea that rather than attempt to steal national secrets to gain industrial supremacy all that they needed to do was to perfect a team capable of humbling England at it's own game.

This would destabilise the Empire and throw England into chaos.

I can imagine a Bond villain sitting around a table discussing unacceptable run rates and how declaring before tea is something that only the British could do.

The KGB could implant a mole deep into the English Cricket team to destabilise them and pass on secrets.....although agent Pieterson is already suspected of doing as much.

All Russia have to do is appoint a decent English coach with decent experience to lead them....

....but they already have.

Vladamir Putin......leader of the Glorious Soviet Union.

Nasser Hussein, former England cricket captain and SKY Sports commentator.

Trust me "Vladimir" your secret is safe with me!

 

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Hospital time again

Back in hospital. Just checked in.
This time it's bye bye kidney stone time. Well hopefully.
Not under the knife but time for me and my stone to break up and separate.
Ever wondered what was causing all the problem? No me neither until now. I always had the romantic thought that I was like an oyster with a grain of sand but the stones are not the best looking of things.

Look like either chicken bites for MacDonalds or toys that the dog plays with. My one is 7mm. I have no description of what it will look like but these are just some of the many different types that occur.
Time for more gallows humour as I try not to embarrass my self in the operating theatre.
Share a happy thought.

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Happy memories

With the constant house upheaval that my wife manages to create, I suggested that we put the posts up on what used to be our bed but is now the spare bed.
Surprisingly she said yes. I knew that the posts were up above the bathroom next to the water tank and that the crossbeams were behind a few boxes and the hanging rail in Sheena's attic.
So I put them up.Memories came flooding back.
 This was the bed that we had in our first house in Laurel Wynd in Aberdeen. We slept in it in the pheasant house in Luton and in Eastmoor Park in Harpenden and now here.It has seen over 21 years of loyal,service. (No thats not what I mean!)
I have videos of Gabi as a baby(hours of video) filmed in this bed. This bed as seen Xmas mornings filled with excited children and presents not forgetting the more than occasional pet visitation.
It's been thrown up in.
Provided comfort when we were tired and weary and a source of happiness for years.
The weird thing just now is that we are now both lying on the bed on the spare room, posts in place with iPads in hand listening to bad company as the weather continues to change outside.
Loads of other things we could be doing but I'm at my side,Sheena at hers.
Sadly the bed has been he spare bedroom bed for quite a few years now.
The constant making and dismantling have taken it's toll and the front passenger side led might need some extra support were it to see action again.
It's nice to know that guests have commented that they were pleased that we moved the bed when we relocated Bethany.
I might just be tempted to come back and spend more time here as its lovely and soft, familiar and welcoming........so's the bed!

 

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MILF BEACH is a rockin'.

Just had to go and check out the latest gig but up and coming Essex Boy band Noises from the Cow Shed. There may be something nasty in the woodshed but there's only pure rock and roll coming out of the Cow Shed. Or in this case the Mill Beach pub!

Wish I had taken a bit more time to read the Facebook invite. Thought the gig was at MILF beach. Had visions of bronzed cougars in skimpy gold bikinis pacing the floor, throwing underwear at the band. Sadly this was not the case.

The audience were a very discerning crowd. One half off them were dressed as nuns and the other half were blind. Never in the history of rock gigs can a crowd so diverse have clashed on the dance floor with guide dogs and rosary beads getting tangled in the procession to and from the bar.

Neil Stewart and three other blokes tore in to some rock classics and added a few new pieces to their set. Personnally my set 1 favourite was Dakota as originally done by the stereophonics.

Neal Stewart is a very serious lead guitarist.....so much so that the lad does need to remember to smile when he's putting on a show for the brides of Christ and the RNIB.

Did love the look that the band were going for even though there were a few fashion contradictions. The base guitarist was exposing more than a shapely leg in those mean heavy metal shorts but the fully pulled up sports socks told a different story Neal going for the tried and tested "anything as long as it's black" look that has been so popular with rock gods for the last 5 decades.

Was disappointed that the bands number one groupie could not make the gig but apparently someone had thrown up on her lucky gig T-shirt and it just couldn't be washed in time.

At the end of the first set the ovaltine crowd got a bit ugly. Neal's own parents walked out at the bands refusal to play their wedding song but sadly Copacabana by Barry Manilow did not get an airing. Crowds from the back shouted that they only came to hear Sweet Home Alabama....but that it wasn't due to appear until the barnstorming closing of the second set.

Apparently at the end of the concert, police in full riot gear had to be called in to stop a fight that began when a guide dog downed a nuns pint of Stella and the mother superior used insults that have been banned from use by the Catholic church since 1665. Punches were thrown and several tables were over turned in the ensuing riot.

Local police chief, Edward O'Brian said that this kind of thing always happened when the Cow Shed boys were in town. "It's their anti authoritarian message combined with a devil may care attitude to safety and the sanctity of human life which means their concerts always end in a riot.

At least arrests were down compared to previous concerts. Unfortunately a novice and a golden retriever will be spending the night in the cells, one for having bit a police office, the other for urinating in a public place.

With the gig over and the guitars back in the tour bus, Neal took a moment to reflect on the nights work.

"I think that the audience got where we were coming from. They understood us and we gave them what they wanted."

Last week the band gave the audience something.....but sadly the 15 new recruits to the STD clinic did not feel the same way.

 

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Do PAEDOPHILES cause childhood obesity?

Summer holiday week one and already the papers have the" how to keep your children entertained" articles.
Life has changed so much in recent years...says a man tapping on his ipad. Kids no longer need to go abroad on holiday. Heck. We can actually leave them with the grandparents as long as they have good wifi connection then they are fine....in my case I may have to pay to get wifi installed at grandmas.
Kids will sit for hour after hour, downloading, role playing, skyping so who cares whether they are in Hawaii or home....it makes no difference to them.
For those more adventurous....the suggestions involve trips. Family trips. Family trips that involve family tickets for four or more plus travel costs, plus food costs....again for four as a hidden cost to the already mortgage squeezing cost quoted.
Lets try taking the little monsters out...no....just outside. lets oil the bike chains and get them out on the roads.....but there are bad drivers, drunk drivers, blind corners.....
Ok. Well lets just stick to the pavement or the country path and go for a walk. .....what about insect bites, twisting an ankle or MY GOD PAEDOPHILES!
Roller skating....brake an ankle....
Swimming........shared bugs in the water of the pool PAEDOPHILES in the changing room and as for natural currents in rivers my god they could drown.
How about a trip to the playground or adventure playground...those things are never as safe as they make out and have a look around....my god....it's like window shopping for PAEDOPHILES....why does he have a puppy but not a child?
Ok. I've got it. Kids are unable to entertain themselves and we as parents don't have the time to supervise them or the money to take them out and we fear that every single bloke in the world is a kiddie fiddler.
Lets just keep them in the safety of our own house and let them sit there on the Internet face booking their friends......some of whom they have never met, especially the one who says that he likes Justin Bieber and "understands" what they're going through......HELP!

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If you're not a real man look away now.

Skoda has unveiled the ultimate baby buggy - an incredible one-off pram fitted with sports suspension and 20-inch alloy wheels.

Engineers at the Czech car maker thought of the most luxurious modifications they could add to a humble pram.

The result is a pushchair that has wing mirrors, high-spec brakes with brake lights, and headlights.

Whilst the pram itself is not a thing of natural beauty and looks like something that Jeremy Clarkson and the Top Gear lads would design, it does raise one of my bug bears about how certain products in life are designed either specifically for women or for people who are much shorter than my 6 foot height.

Pushing buggies is something I always found gave me back pain as in order to do so I would find myself walking and bending forwards to reach the buggy handles.

Now I loved pushing my kids but how much thinking would it take to have have extendable handles with a variety of different little holes (like they have to fit crutches) so that the same buggy could be comfortably pushed by parents of different heights.....believe me world, parents come in all shapes and sizes!

Broom handles, mops, garden hoes, rakes etc. All of these also need to be made longer or again have the option to increase the length.

Back pain is one of the most time consuming medical problems in current times and the equipment we use every day is causing some of it.

Humans have evolved and grown taller. If you don't believe me, check out the size of a suit of armour at a stately home or come and try walking in my 450 year old house with low lintels.

When you were working I always used to hear the phrase "put your back into it" ......maybe we should be doing something to take your back out of it!

 

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Why is Mr. Simpkins wearing a Kevlar vest in assembly?

Just when teachers thought it was safe to enjoy their inflated and undeserved (parents opinion) 6 week summer holiday a report on primary schools shows some shocking statistics.

Children as young as five kicked out of class as almost 100 primary pupils are suspended EVERY DAY for assaults on teachers and classmates

Thousands are sent home for verbal abuse or threatening behaviour

120 pupils expelled for assaulting classmates and 200 for assaulting staff

Department of Education figures reveal statistics for 2011/12 school year.

Nearly 50 primary school pupils are being sent home every day for attacking teachers and other staff, disturbing figures reveal.

The number has soared more than 10 per cent in one year, heightening concerns about a breakdown in discipline. When attacks on fellow pupils are included, the figure rises to 100 exclusions a day.

Children aged five to 11 were already more likely to assault adults than secondary school pupils, but the gulf has continued to widen.

Graham Stuart, the Tory chairman of the Commons’ education select committee, said the figures were ‘shocking’. He added: ‘It suggests a serious deterioration in discipline and behaviour in primary schools which needs to be fully investigated.

‘It raises questions not only about how schools are run but also about what’s going on in the community from which they come.’

Philip Davies, the Tory MP for Shipley, added: ‘When you see how some parents treat teachers then there’s little wonder why children follow suit. Perhaps we need to do more to make parents responsible for the actions of their children.’

There were 6,970 exclusions from state-funded primary schools in 2006/07, of which 260 were permanent. By 2010/11, this has gone up to 7,830 fixed-period exclusions and 200 permanent. This was the first year that the number of primary school assaults against staff overtook those in state secondaries, where 6,060 pupils were excluded.

In addition there are just over 3,000 attacks on adults at specials schools each year.

I disagree with the concept that schools need to be investigated to see how they are run. If this was coming from one school or one area then yes but we are talking about a national problem.

It shows that in most instances the children are showing the same lack of respect in many cases that comes from the parents. Make parents responsible for the actions of the child? I tell you what! For every child that is excluded, I want that parent to come and do a weeks service as a classroom teacher in the school and start to get an appreciation of just exactly what we have to go through.

Parents wouldn't be so quick to criticise us for our efforts.

 

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Normal service has been resumed.

It's back.

...and with a vengeance. Rain, rain, beautiful rain.....what! You don't want the rain? You have all spent weeks complaining about how hot it is, how there have been fatalities caused by the heat.
You've laughed at the girl from accounting who came in with sunburn and different strap lines.
You complained because you have to go home and spend your evening watering your plants for once.
Your kids complained because it was too hot for them to go to school and work even though the. First thing they do when they have a moment is go outside, run around and get even hot still.
You complained when Tescos put up the price of basic bottled tap water from 17p o 26p the opportunistic scum.
You lay in bed at night praying for the heat to go away so you don't have to sleep in a pool of our own sweat.
"I have listened to your prayers" said God "and I shall grant you your wish."


Thunder, lightening of almost Biblical proportions......



Rain that lead to floods and flash flooding turning our streets into rivers so wide that only Moses could part them.

"What? You didn't want that either" said God.
"What do you want?"
The trouble with the British is that the only weather that we are truly happy with....is no weather at all.
A day when it's warm enough to wear a short sleeved shirt and shorts but without feeling cold.
No rain,snow or sleet and no wind to muss up your hair and give your cheeks that country farmer pinkness.
....and no sun.
Well it needs to be there, but kind of hiding behind cloud cover so that I don't need to go out and buy new sunglasses 'cos I've just found that my old pair are broken in the glove compartment of the car 'cos normally I don't get a chance to use them other than when I drive East in the morning or West at night.
There God. That is the ideal day for the British.

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Burger surfin' USA

Although I did like the story of how the Americans handled the heatwave.

When the air conditioning broke in a New York MacDonalds, punters still had to be wheel chaired out from exhaustion. 107 degrees people! That's like climbing into the deep fat frier WITH your quarter pounder folks

I enjoyed looking at the length of the queues. The queue at the chilly salad bar down the lane was nominal.
I love the guy who shows concern for the woman being wheeled out....but not enough to stop himself swigging a coffee to wash down his meal.
The woman has feinted in 107 degree heat.....vest good idea....long trousers not so good for dispersing the heat. The fact that the poor woman has had to be restrained in the chair.
This is not a matter of health and safety, but the fact that she had collapsed after she had paid but before she received her meal and was an attempt to stop her re-entering the building.
I love the protesters who are deciding to protest about the heat INSIDE the 107 degree hell hole rather than warn prospective burger junkies outside.

http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/McDonalds-No-Air-Conditioning-Protest-Manhattan-Broadway-Washington-Heights-216182251.html

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We're having a heat wave- a tropical heat wave.

We don't want a heat wave. We're British. We don't do heat waves at this point the more mature amongst us wipe a tear from our eye as we remember the summer of 76 when Denis Howell became the UKs one and only minister of drought.

Weather over thirty for consecutive days. Weather so good that even Victor Meldrew wouldn't believe it.

The sky is blue and the grass is brown, making parts of the UK look like Spain. Fires are appearing due to the dryness of the grass and the lack of water.

The BBC and other news are providing weather warnings for us as we are in fact so stupid that we do not know how to handle the large glowing orb in the sky. Are we like the cast of Independence Day or War of the Worlds, so stunned by the awe and wonder of what we see above us that we stand and stare just too long before we realise that we are in serious trouble.

Claims that at the last count, 650 people had died in heat related incidents. We go on holiday each year to countries where there is a sun in the sky, so why do we act so weird when the sun appears here?

.....the problem is we don't

There are groups amongst us who behave the same home and away. We have bemoaned about the drink culture that now is prevalent in our society. Watching how the streets of our cities turn into a battle zone of wounded warriors littering the streets in the early hours of the morning, listening to their cries for help in the no-mans land between the nightclub and the relative safety of home.

 

With the thermometer hitting 32, there was a report on the radio that said holidays abroad were down 20%. Well there is a nice surprise.

Last minute bookings will be down because the weather is good so we don't need to go abroad for that nice brown tan. We can stay at home and watch our skin turn red and peel instead.

Long term bookings are down because corporate greed has decreed that the gas, electricity, petrol, shopping and just about every other thing that you need to live for 50 weeks a year has been sucked from your wallet so it doesn't really leave much for the other two.

That doesn't stop some Brits. I use the word Brits here to denote a certain type of people. Think about it. are you British, or are you a Brit? British - history- proud-nation-pageantry-Nelson-Dunkirk Spirit. Or are you a Brit- pop culture-monosyllabic--Eastenders-live now type of person?

Brits abroad is now a phrase that defines a generation.

The British would go on expeditions to the colonies and the Commonwealth bring civilisation round the globe ( ok we'll skip over the exploitation for industrial gain bit) whereas Brits go on holiday for one or two weeks to get drunk and pull.

For some people this is the same behaviour as at home but now it's with shorts and a t-shirt on....hopefully!

 

Marmaris is now the centre of attention for the Brits abroad who have brought their new low standards to a different culture and rather than respect that culture we piss and puke and bleed all over it.

We have move from Costa Del Sol to Ibiza to Corfu, Faliraki and countless others looking for anywhere we can get an English breakfast, denoted by the Union Jack prevalent at the front of countless establishments to attract the poor Brit who is unable to embrace a different culture and later to the loud pub or nightclub where we can drink more cheap booze than we can physically handle.

After two summers of great sporting success, Brits are leading the way in Europe again.

 

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