It's panto season.....oh no it isn't

Its nearly here!

My second panto as an author.....actor and this time director.........

From the first week of my summer holidays recovering from my time in hospital to looking forward to the dress rehearsal in a weeks time.

It's coming together....slowly...like most things it would be nice if we all had our scripts down to make things easier....a bit like this car is heading for the Cliff...I'd better read the how to drive manual...whilst the last minute thing works well for TV...it doesn't do the directors heart much good.

Were still laughing....hopefully this will translate to the audience.

I still need to wire up the body drop and fix up the flying seagull and the chocolate backdrop and then were there with the effects.

Get your tickets now. Don't want to be stuck at the back incase you miss a euphemism or two.

 

Come on team....we've nearly got a show!

 

 

 

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The joys of parenthood.

Wissymint!

I can see you heading for the thesaurus as we speak but no need to. One of the joys of parenthood is that your children pronounce words incorrectly but the new word subsequently became part of Birss family common parlance....

...like scoover. The predictive text hates this but obviously if you need to put a screw in the wall you need a scoover. We even made up a song about it. Great to sing when you are three...or a father.

The one word that we never found out the meaning of was callacalo. We don't know what it means but according to Gabi it's not Cinderella!

Bethany was equally creative. In order to have a bath-ez you gave to take off your clothe-ees, words that we still use within the confines of our house.

Gabi with her 2.1 in Creative writing and her recent competition winning publication of short stories. I wonder if she will be writing a short story about a builder who uses wissymint to join bricks together!!

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The Roger Benzie Tournament

As long time in the planning, the Squad managed to gather at Strikers in the bridge of Don....all except Jerry who turned up at Goals just for comedy value and a sound ribbing.

The above photo shows the teams after the game. I would like to point out that there is no photo trickery involved here....all the tops are in fact the same size!!!

Grampian Police turned up thinking that a flare had been thrown onto the pitch as visibility was difficult and the spectators eyes were watering. It turned out to be the excessive amount of ralgex that was required just together some of these aging joints going.

In some cases JD Sports football top section had taken a big hit the morning of the game.

Boots had declared a national shortage of tubigrip and neoprene bandages.

Aberdeen Royal Infirmary had put an entire wing on standby and off duty ambulance crews were called back from holidays.

With big Zoggy looking like the Finzean Fellaini, the Blues kicked off against the reds. The clock had barely registered when Keith limped off having pulled an unspecified part of his anatomy.

Obviously the choice of beach shorts had provided insufficient protection to his weary muscles.

An early victory for Rogers team was followed by a draw between the orange and red teams. At this point Ray Winston's face appeared above the pitch and said put your house on the blues.

Ray was a bit early with pronouncement as the blues went down to an embarrassing defeat. Even more embarrassing was the shout of "nuts" as the ball shot between zoggys legs? There was a momentary silence before the event was greeted with the disrespect it deserved. Would Rog break the leg of the man who had shamed him?.....no it only took 90 seconds before roger had returned the favour.

Further controversy came on the awarding of a penalty to team Orange. Small children were steamrolled out of the way. "I'll be fine" said a wee voice later on with a quiver in his voice and a tear in his eye.

A victory for the blues in the last game would have guaranteed them victory but the Oranges streaked to an unexpected win.

The final whistle went and it was all over. For many it had been over after the first whistle blew.

Spectators compared the game to a game of table football where the ball moves around and the players rock back and forth in the same place.

After the game it was rumoured that Rogers sterling performance had got Far East Scouts interested and a possible move to Ho Chi Min Thistle was in the offing.

I enjoyed the Craic of the day.

It was very refreshing to be up a gainst players who enjoyed teasing you gently with the ball and then whipping it away at pace. Thanks lads.

Apparently Strikers were unwilling to take a booking for Rogers 60th due to astronomical insurance costs.

After the BBQ, Jerry announced that he was going home. Police were later called to a house in Westhill as he tried to climb in through a window shouting that his key didn't work........

 

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The Strawbs were right!

Strike!

It's that time again. The firemen have just has a four hour strike. And now we have teachers about to go on strike.

Our school is staying open but years 8,9 & 10 will be at home for the day. One of the students in my class suggested that she didn't think that teachers should be going on strike as we should be glad just to have a job.

Light blue touch paper and stand back.

"Really!" By Tuesday teachers will be hated round the country as parents find that they have to take time off work as for many parents we are not the providers of education for their children but a glorified baby sitting service for their kids. the kids who they don't want to look after for six weeks in the summer holidays. the kind of parents who will be calling tv and radio stations to say they don't know how to entertain their kids for six weeks and this is all the fault of the teachers rather than their own ability to act as educators and fun providers for their own kids.....just wait folks....once you get what you want....shorter summer holidays and the tour companies put an extra 20% on summer holiday prices because you ain't gonna get six weeks of flights into four weeks of holidays, you are going to complain about that and start taking your kids out of school so that you can go on a cheap holiday and then you are going to complain about the fines to do it.

electricity costs go up, gas costs go up petrol costs go up, food costs go up, everyone wants more from us and as we sit here with our miserly pay which doesn't go up any where near as much.

We are not appreciated by the government as if we fail to reach targets, it is all out fault and if we reach them the papers are too easy or the exams need to be changed.

We are not appreciated by the parents who think that they can do better than us but not one of them wants to come in and try.

We are not appreciated by the school who expect us to do more and more for less and less.

We are not appreciated by the students, many who have no expectations and can't see the need for an education knowing that they will get handouts for failing for the rest of their lives.

The fact that I need to go to work to provide the money that you get to keep you on the dole because you couldn't be bothered to study and appreciate the privilege of education that I give you and you will spend your time complaining that you don't get enough whilst I have to live to match my means.

Sometimes being ignorant can't be cured by education.

 

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Miley Cyrus, What have you done?

The world watched her performance at the VMA awards with their jaws on the floor.

Twerking. The act of shaking your ass in the close proximity to someone ore something else has "trended" I believe is the phrase or "gone viral"

The fact that she chose to do it half naked in a fletch coloured latex two piece made the whole thing even worse. Robin Thicke is already wearing the prison outfit should he dare to a rurally touch Miley's ass. The Americans seemed jolly happy with this outburst of thrusting. Do you remember how "outraged " we got on this side of the pond when JLO dared to go on BGT with thigh boots and a leotard with most of her body covered up! It was almost enough to make us drop our cucumber sandwiches.

Miley has since appeared naked atop a wrecking ball to promote her singing but is this just another case of a celebrity loosing the plot or doing anything for a cheap hit?

We are still watching the ongoing public breakdown and addiction of Lindsey Lohan as she staggers from drug fuelled party to missing court cases.

We have seen the all to public meltdown of Former Disney star Amanda Bynes who was brilliant as a child star with the Amanda show.

We watched as Britney drove with her baby on her lap and cut off her hair in a public cry for help.

We watch as Justin Bieber lurches from one poor decision to another.

The fact that a lot of these meltdowns occur as the former child stars gain their independence from the parents who have guided them into their millions and no longer hold sway over their decisions.

Twerking.

Today we see a royal princess Twerking in front of a stuffed grizzled bear in the papers. I imagine grandma will have something to say about that.

Fearne Cotton tried it but doesn't look convinced that it is the right thing to do. The panelist doesn't know where to look.

I believe that Gilbert Gottfried has moved things forward to Twogging which involves Twerking in front of your dog.

 

To be perfectly honest, the next stage will be to do it in front of their cat and so .....twatting will become the next craze.

Why do we want to do something that porn stars and lap dancers have been making money out of for ears and share it with the world.

Mind you. Twerking should not be taken on by everyone......

 

 

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Helen Flanagan - what is she ACTUALLY for?

Celebrity!

No that should be celebrity? Why do cameras follow this woman around? What does she do other than appear walking from nightclub to taxi that makes people want to tale more pictures of her walking from another nightclub to yet another taxi.

Helen now gets so confused about what is a nightclub and what is a taxi that she carries her drink from one to the other because for her, life is just one long party. Normally, ladies use a small compact mirror to apply their lipstick. Sadly Helen was unaware of the facial frosting that she had on....either that her minder had taken her for a couple of strawberry slushies before the evening started.

Helen does of course want to be a celebrity. She wants to be seen in public because she has no other talents. so can anyone explain why she attempts to hide from camera men because she has already called them to tell them which nightclub she will be at at three in the morning so why does she attempt to hide from them as they already know who she is. Headlines of "mystery woman" leaving nightclub would not give her the celebrity that she so craves so why hide dearie?

Again Helen, you ordered this taxi, The shout of "taxi for celebrity Helen Flanagan" may have given a clue to any passing cameramen who were unaware of your existence yet here we are hiding again. Is it because someone has dared to mention the Strawberry slushies and that you look like a 3 year old who has tried on her mums make up for the first time and ended up with a face that looks a bit "art nouveau?"

Also it's nice to know that Helen has bought a pair of £3000 Christian Louboutin boots....but do you have to find taxis in them every night dear? Better to have gone down to Brantano and bought a bunch of different shoes for each night so that you don't look like a dirty little stop out....shouldn't have blown your entire fashion budget on one item dear.

Helen is of course shy and retiring. "Who me?" says Helen to the response of "why have you squeezed those into a something two sizes too small?"

Helen also appears to have an on/off relationship with footballer Scott Sinclair. The football boyfriend is a must for anyone hoping to move from talentless celebrity to talentless WAG. Questions of her unfaithfulness need to be addressed as she appears to be wearing the morning after shirt of a Chicago Bear linebacker as she could find nothing else to his what little is left of her modesty.

Helen has also managed to put the death knell on what little career she thought she had by appearing on I'm a celebrity - get me out of here. You can see her reaction when she was informed that the jungle had neither nightclubs or taxis that she could walk between.

But wait! It's not all bad. Helen wants to be used as a role model for underprivileged kids. She is currently providing training courses on just exactly which clubs you need to walk out of, what is the best time to still get into the next days papers, how to perfect that look of shock as you realise that all the camera men that you have asked to be there are actually there to take your picture and not turn up at the World Health Organisation meeting across the street. Just in case she forgets, you can still see her crib notes/script behind her as a celebrity always needs to rehearse just how surprised she is when the cameras turn up!

K

And here we see Helen in all her glory as she shows the world's press that she can think, (even though it's starting to hurt) and pout like a fish having firstly remembered NOT to go out for slushies first.

Schoolgirls! Put down those books and go hang about the playground looking for the lad who kicks the round thing better than anyone else, then let him buy you a slushie from the ice cream van before you stagger into your mum's Chelsea tractor screaming "No school photos."

Your work here is done!

 

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Traffic drugs and become a celebrity.

One of the two British women arrested for drug trafficking in Peru is to plead guilty after striking a deal that could see her walk free from prison in less than three years.

Melissa Reid and Michaella McCollum Connolly, both 20, were caught with £1.5 million worth of cocaine in their suitcases at Lima International Airport on August 6 and insisted they had been forced to carry the drugs.

Look at them. Don't they just look so happy. Like one of their cases has just gone missing on their Ryanair flight to Malaga.

Melissa has decided to strike a deal and say that "she done it" so she will have a three year sentence. Three years in Peru. Her folks won't be turning up for visiting every Sunday then? If she admits it then the other ones stuffed so she'll confess her sins as well. they will have a nice holiday in orange jump suits and come out and sell their stories, make a few bob and then live out sad, desperate lives doing the chat show circuit, release a book about "My Lima prison hell" and then go back to their drug fuelled party life in Spain.

If I was forced to do some drug trafficking, I would at least leave some evidence in a safe place, that I was being forced to do it at home before I got on a plane so my lawyers could use it to get Mr. Big.

Their accommodation looks quite nice. I've lived on oil rigs where the accommodation is just as cramped and source.

Looking at the photographs of them we can only assume that the authorities "took care" of the drug filled suit cases as they appear in the same clothes in every photo......by now they may smell a little bit.

Mellissa at least still has time to brush her hair straight and Michaella to put her hair into that stupid donut shape....if I well the Peruvian drug police....I would get a sniffer dog to have a look in there too.

It was also nice to read that strange men are already sending them mobile phone numbers so that they can speak to them whilst in prison and offers of marriage are coming in.

Trust me kids, if you want celebrity, big brother is a much safer option, although not as comfortable and it will FEEL longer than three years.

 

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